My friend, I've been lying all my life. Even when I was telling the truth. I never spoke for the truth, but only for myself, I knew that before, but only now do I see . . . Oh where are those friends whom I have insulted with my friendship all my life? And everyone, everyone! You know, perhaps I'm lying now; certainly I'm also lying now. The worst of it is that I believe myself when I lie. The most difficult thing in life is to live and not lie . . . and . . . and not believe one's own lie, yes, yes, that's precisely it! (Dostoevsky, Demons).In recent days I have been aware of my limitations and even worse, my willing ignorance of my limitations. I am quick to judge, self-centered, impatient and often moved to anger. I wonder if any thought of mine (or words written on a public blog) is not tainted by pride (and false humility). These are not conclusions drawn from a view of human nature as being totally depraved or of an angry God who cannot tolerate sin. Rather, it is born from a view of God as Love, and my willing choice to betray that Love, moment by moment, day by day, both consciously and unconsciously.
May God grant each of us the grace to turn, to repent from our sin and self-delusion and to embrace the cure for our self-inflicted illness; a cure that for most of us is not brought about in a single moment, but rather a lifetime (and more) lived in repentance.
4 comments:
Can't I just raise my hand, or walk toward the altar, in a moment of orchestraed, religious, sentamentalism? Can't salvation happen in one magical moment; my life changed unalterably by an instant of faith?
Oh, kudos for the honesty my friend.
A.A. thinks of denial in a very similar way. For a while, people thought brutal honesty was the answer, that is, my deepest, most shameful, fearful thoughts are the most honest. But, over time, that proves just as it sounds, brutal! cruel... And a form of denial in itself; our most shameful thoughts aren't necessarily the "truest".
But I think a rigorous honesty is trustworthy; where I constantly admit that my humblest attempts at honesty are tainted by omission, coloring, minimizing, and pride. And the only environment for rigorous honesty to thrive is in accountability, confession, and communion with others, and the Father.
If I am in isolation, I am in denial about how effective my honesty can ever be.
If I am only in communion with the "Father", and ignore the community of believers, then I might be in denial about being in communion with a self-made idol.
Thanks for the thoughts Paul.
Yes, honesty is not an end in and of itself. When coupled with loving accountability, it is the means to an/the end.
That was really a great post....
A little quote that I recently posted on my web-page, I think it relates:
“If you desire to grow in your relationship with God, fall on your knees in repentance, then stand up and get to work. We have much to do.”
-Bishop Joseph
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