Forgive my cynicism . . .

. . . but this magazine cover has to be one of the most ridiculous things I have seen in quite some time. Undoubtedly, part of the problem is that I openly detest politics. And I'm sure Obama is a great guy and could offer our country a change. Nevertheless, I find this self-righteousness (at least one could interpret this cover shot as such) and naive optimism disgusting/amusing.

My best Bozo days lie ahead.

You know you are going bald when you feel the need to give yourself a haircut every two weeks to hide your ever-thinning hair.

I first became concerned about my hair loss about six years ago when I noticed a small little bald patch just behind my hairline. At this point I was very much in the stage of denial. I rationalized that I had cut my hair a little shorter than normal. Or perhaps the guard of the razor had come loose as I cut that portion of my hair. How else could there be such a little patch with a little less hair on it? What an odd place for such a patch!

My next phase was anger. After my intial reaction of denial, I noticed small pieces of hair in my hands after I washed them. When I woke up I saw tiny little hair folicles left behind on my pillow. At this stage of my life I was trying to hold on to any dignity that I could get. I burned with anger that my hairline was literally slipping through my fingers.

Today I am ready to concede that I am losing my hair. I have processed the residual denial and anger from my own personal hairline journey and I have accepted that I am a 30 year old balding man. I refuse to live in a fantasy world that denies this simple fact. I have seen pictures that dispel any notion I would have of an alternate reality. Avoidance of this reality would be nothing short of a foundational conflict in my being.

I am resolute in my acceptence. I am finally ready to grow up.

I have nothing to fear knowing that my best Bozo days lie ahead.

"Beauty Will Save the World"

It is through the virtue of humility that we attain spiritual gifts. Humility is the acknowledgment that God has saved us, forgiven us and desires that we should do the same. God does not force us to do so, we must be willing. If we are not willing to be humble, the world will humiliate us. The humble person cannot be humiliated, for humiliation is nothing but a blow to our pride. The one who has no pride escapes such suffering. Your Father in Christ, + Bishop JOSEPH

I read the quote above earlier today and it reminded me of the discussion that a few of my friends and I have been having on the blog under this post 'growing innocence' in regards to humility.

Let me be clear that I am not writing from the perspective of an expert in regards to humility. In fact, it seems to tear against some of the very foundational elements of my being. Still, even in my limited life experience, there is also a deep part of me which is drawn to be a learner of this virtue.

This subject has been on my mind quite a bit lately, in part because I recently (finally) finished The Idiot (once I got back on the 26 -- sorry, inside joke). Long story short: the novel centers upon the events surrounding the main character, Prince Myshkin, and his collision with Russian upper-class society.

The novel was a difficult read. I literally had to force myself through several passages. Dostoevsky himself considered the novel something of an artistic failure. Nevertheless, his concept behind the story was high,

"For a long time now I've been tormented by a certain idea, but I've been afraid

to make a novel out of it, because the thought is too difficult and I'm not

ready for it, though it's a thoroughly tempting thought and I love it. The idea
is - to portray a perfectly beautiful man. Nothing, in my opinion, can be more

difficult than that, especially in our time" (Dostoevsky, quoted in the

introduction to The Idiot, translated by Richard Pevear and Larissa
Volokhonsky).

Prince Myshkin himself asserts in the novel that "beauty will save the world." The Prince is not making an egotistical statement. Rather, he has a radical humility that seems to border on naivety: the Prince seems incapable of seeing obvious flaws in others (indeed, he sees God in each person) and repeatedly apologizes for his own behavior, even when it is clear he is not to be blamed or faulted. From the perspective of the reader this attitude seems at best simplistic, and at worst, just plain stupid in a society that conspires against him.

I have wondered, is humility supposed to "make sense" to us? In what way should it "make sense?" Humility, isolated in a temporal and external perspective, might look like foolishness to some, as it did to Prince Myshkin's contemporaries in mid 19th-century Russia.

In discussing the subject of humility with different friends, they have made welcome clarifications between humility and false humility in certain circumstances. Still, I wonder how the unseen reality of eternity might factor into this discussion? If nothing else, it gives us pause to consider that our temporal existence may not be an end in and of itself. Ultimately, I believe humility breaks through the plane of our temporal existence (not worthless or without value, but finite and limited nonetheless) with an infusion of eternity. This is an abstract concept that is difficult to objectify.

Perhaps an answer of sorts can be found in another of Dostoevsky's novels, The Brothers Karamavov, and artist Fritz Eichenberg, whose engravings I have admired for their visceral embodiment of melancholic emotion. One of the engravings that I am most drawn to is Eichenberg's depiction of the famous scene in The Brothers Karamazov, "The Grand Inquisitor." In the scene, Christ reappears on earth during the time of the Spanish Inquisition. He is arrested, sentenced to death and brought before the Grand Inquisitor for questioning. The Grand Inquisitor's argument against Christ is long, detailed and quite convincing.

Both the argument postulated by the Inquisitor and the specific outcome of this story is quite profound but it does not concern the subject of this posting (you can read it yourself if you haven't already). Suffice it to say that perhaps the Inquisitor succeeds in building an effective argument against Christ. However, at what cost? At the end of the story he is left alone with his bitterness and despair, willingly shut-off from the comfort of Christ's presence.

Perhaps this is a gross oversimplification, but I wonder if there is parallel that can be drawn between my own lack of humility, no matter how justified it may seem, and that of Dostoevsky's Inquisitor? I wonder if in the trusting humility of Prince Myshkin, he looks to eternity and finds the abiding presence of Christ, sharing with him in his sufferings?

The life led by Prince Myshkin may be better understood in light of the Grand Inquisitor. Perhaps we live our lives traveling somewhere between these two polar opposites found in literature, never fully acheiving the beautified perfection that Dostoevsky sought to depict in Prince Myshkin or becoming fully enveloped in the isolated bitterness of the Grand Inquisitor.

Of course, humility is not a guarantee that I will avoid suffering. Neither is it a guarantee that I will always feel God's presence. At times He may feel absent or even silent. Still, I feel the longing and desire to pray that the wisdom of eternity may be found in my heart.

Top 07 of 07

For a few years now I have made a practice of listing my favorite records of the past year. The list is ridiculously limited as it represents the majority of the new music that I have bought in the past year as well as being disturbingly indulgent of my wannabe rock critic/musician altar ego. What the world needs now is not another play list. If that introduction does not dissuade you from reading further (it has almost caused me to stop writing), I'm not sure what will. So, without further ado I present the Top 07 of 07 in no particular order.

Spoon, Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
This album presents some really accessible and catchy rock n' roll without sacrificing the more abstract/experimental tunes the band is becoming increasingly known for. I'm not sure how "The Underdog" did in radio airplay, but it should have been a hit. And it was on the play list of the reception of my wedding, which surely counts for something.






Panda Bear, Person Pitch
I recently heard a quote in which a famous actor said of different directors, "the good ones borrow but the great ones steal." If that statement is true than Panda Bear is a genius. It would probably take a genius to make an homage to or emulate Brian Wilson all by oneself and Noah Lennox of Animal Collective pulls it off on Person Pitch. "Comfy in Nautica" and "Bros" are the standout tracks. Come to think of it, album closer "Ponytail" was also on the reception play list.




The White Stripes, Icky Thump

In what has been described as a return to the basics, Jack and Meg turn the collective amp back up to 11. "Rag and Bone" is a great tune and "A Martyr for my Love for You" is the song Soren Kierkegaard never got to sing. No, "St. Andrew (The Battle is in the Air)" was not on the reception play list.






James Blackshaw, The Cloud of Unknowing
An album of instrumental acoustic guitar music named after a classic book on Christian mysticism in the 14 century by an anonymous English monk. The contemplative music builds through slow repetition until the slightest change in chord structure carries maximum impact. I guess it's similar to techno in that way only with an acoustic 12-string guitar.






Arcade Fire, Neon Bible
I must admit, the more I listen to this album the more I dislike it. Maybe it's because of the cynical and idiotic things that Win Butler keeps saying. Maybe it's because of the underlying paranoia in the music. Whatever the reason, what I do enjoy about Neon Bible is that it is the sound of a band that is not afraid of or opposed to making a statement through big tunes, and even amongst the cynicism and paranoia, I can respect that.





The National, Boxer
The National write introspective mellow tunes that are deceptively anthemic. Because of Matt Beringer's deep baritone, Leonard Cohen comparisons are apt, but the musical influence here is much more 80s New Wave than kitsch Euro-pop. Matt Beringer also sings like a man who has his mouth full and is wary of opening his mouth too far for the fear of spraying food everywhere.





Radiohead, In Rainbows
Two things stand out to me about this album, a) Radiohead sounds like a band again, and b) Thom Yorke has a beautiful and otherworldly voice. "Reckoner" is one of the best songs this band has ever written. Simple guitar and piano hooks, a tight rhythm section and a falsetto sung in a way that only Yorke can sing it. As I said in another blog advising potential crooner's: don't attempt to sing/sound like this band, because you can't.





My apologies for the wacky formatting.

growing innocence

We all experience difficulty in life. While much of it is self-inflicted pain caused by our own selfishness, we also all experience pain that is caused by circumstances that are beyond are control.

When I named this blog "growing innocence" a year a go, I wanted to try to encapsulate in that title an attribute that I found in people that I admire. These are people who, when faced with difficult circumstances, have not responded with an increase in vengeance or anger, but an increase in humility and love. They have undoubtedly made their share of mistakes and taken their own lumps in life, but have emerged from their own difficult road with a purity of heart when anger or resentment could have seemed a valid response. As a result, they seem more full of love and life then ever before. They seem to"grow innocence" rather than "grow bitterness."

When I respond in anger to a perceived wrong against me, this anger often seems right and even justified in the moment. Hey, if I don't defend myself here, who else will, right? However, this attitude, acted upon and carried out over and over through our lives filled with their share of pain, often leads not to increased personal validation, but increased isolation, bitterness and resentment. In defending myself or fighting for my own perceived rights I am aware only of my pain in the midst of my hardship and as a result, I lose hope. I damage my true personhood.

What then, is my true personhood? I believe that responding to hardship by an increase in humility and love contains part of the answer. In the moment of pain these attributes seem anything but natural or logical to me. But what of the purity of heart that results from these attributes, acted out over and over in a life overwhelmed at times by pain? It is a true purity. Natural. Logical. And from watching those I admire it is clear to me that in love and humility we embrace our true personhood enveloped in the Person of Christ.

Two different couples have set a wonderful example to me of "growing innocence." My godparents at St. Paul Orthodox Church, Bob and Mary Armstrong and my Aunt and Uncle, Donna and Lloyd Slusser from Pullman, Washington. In their lives I have witnessed a deep reality of love and self-sacrifice and I am thankful and blessed to have them as a part of my life.

A Blessed Nativity

"Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel, which is translated, 'God with us.'"
-- Matthew 1:23

"Prepare O Bethlehem, for Eden has been opened for all!"
-- Orthodox Hymns in preparation for the Nativity

I hate the smell of urine in the evening

While it was certainly not the worst feeling I have had in my life, crawling into bed, turning out the lights and pulling up the covers only to have my nostrils overwhelmed by the stench of dog urine has to be pretty close to the top. To make matters worse, the culprit was a dog that we had been house-sitting for. To make matters that much worse, she chose the brand-new hand-made quilt given to us by our parish as her personal litter box. To make matters much, much worse, the urine stains did not come out after a dry cleaning. Olivia and I are now faced with having to notify the makers of the quilt that their gift is in need of a severe repair job.

Let this post service as notice that we will no longer be house-sitting for dogs that are not crate trained.